(…Canons firing, athletes in tracksuits pole-vaulting, magnificent displays of martial arts and swordsmanship, dancers on bicycles perform an intricate ribbon dance, fireworks, a carnival dragon cavorts around the Olympic flame…)
Chairman of the Olympic Committee:…And it now gives me great pleasure to introduce the Chinese President Hu Jintao and the Premier of the Chinese State Council Wen Jaibao!
(Applause, fireworks, canons etc.)
Hu Jintao: People of the world! This ceremony is not only a triumph for China and not only a triumph for the Olympics, but a triumph for global peace and prosperity!
(More applause, further fireworks etc.)
Hu Jintao: You see, we the Chinese just want the world to understand us. People say such hurtful things, and perhaps they do not realise how sensitive we are…
Ban Ki-Moon: And now, on behalf of the United Nations, I will release a single white dove as a symbol of global peace and prosperity.
(Ban Ki-Moon releases dove. It soars over the Olympic Stadium)
Hu Jintao (watches with alarm as the dove approaches): Bak! Bak! Bak!
Wen Jiabao: Bak! Bak! Bak!
(Hu Jintao whips out a ray gun and zaps dove. Its skeleton falls to the ground.)
Hu Jintao: Kill them! Kill them all!
Wen Jiabao: Bak! Bak! Bak!
George W. Bush: Hey! Stop!
Ban Ki-Moon: In the name of Peace!
Gordon Brown: Ahhhh!
(World leaders, Olympic athletes, dignitaries and celebrities are all zapped with Chinese army ray guns. The smoke clears to reveal their smouldering skeletons.)
Hu Jintao: Ha! All the world leaders have been killed! Chinese nuclear weapons are now falling upon the world’s capital cities! The Yellow Peril triumphs!
Wen Jiabao: Bak! Bak! Bak!
[The relevant scene from Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks! can be viewed here. Ed].
Tags: Beijing Olympics, China-Bashing, Hu Jintao, Mars Attacks!, Opening Ceremony, Opinion, Satire, Wen Jiabao
