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[Scene: The City of Edinburgh Council offices. Enter Edinburgh’s “transport leader” Commissioner Gordon Mackenzie. He sees a gigantic pile of banknotes.]

Gordon: My God, that looks like almost a billion pounds.

Head of Bilfinger Berger: You see I’m a guy of simple tastes. I enjoy… dynamite… and gunpowder… and gasoline… And you know the thing that they all have in common? They’re cheap! [He pours gasoline all over the banknotes and then throws a lighted cigar on top.]

Gordon [staring in dismay at the bonfire.] But that’s our voters’ money?

Bilfinger: All you care about is money. This town deserves a better class of criminal. And I’m gonna give it to ’em… This is my city!

Gordon: You’ll never get away with this, Joker… This city will not be held to ransom by this contractor any longer… (Thank heaven that there are no trams being built in my own Newington/ Edinburgh South ward.) This is a job for Batman!

[Three hours later.]

Batman: Sorry I’m late. The traffic was terrible…

[The lights go out. A silly voice comes over the tannoy system.]

Gordon: It’s the Joker!

Bilfinger: Tonight you’re going to be part of a social experiment. There’s only enough money left to lay eight more feet of tramline. But where’s it gonna be? Up by Ocean Terminal? Or somewhere near Haymarket? You have to decide by midnight or I bankrupt a hospital!

Gordon: How can we stop him Batman?

Batman: I’m still trying to get my head around some of this financial stuff? What is “Transport Initiatives Edinburgh”? What does it do? And how did they manage to spend £545 million reinstalling some infrastructure from the 1940s? There used to be over 400 trams operating in this city, but now it seems that there’s going to be a 30% rise in council tax to finance reopening a single tramline? There’s only one thing left! We’ll have to terminate Bilfinger’s contract…

Bilfinger: You just couldn’t let me go could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable forces meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible, aren’t you? You won’t kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won’t kill you because you’re just too much fun. I think that you and I are destined to do this forever…

Batman: You’ll be in a cell forever!

Edinburgh councillors: Maybe we could share one…

[For more news on the trams, see here and here. Tychy previously offered to personally assume responsibility for installing the tramlines. Ed.]

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