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Tychy: And the whole nation has been brought together in an atmosphere of demented jubilation, all united behind the Royal Couple. Let’s go now to our reporter live in Hyde Park…

Reporter: Yes there are millions of people here, all celebrating mindlessly. It’s a strange thing because everybody who you meet in real life is utterly indifferent to the Royal Wedding, but when you turn on the television, suddenly these Royalist masses have appeared from nowhere. They must keep them underground or on a fleet of prison ships, and then bus them in for these state occasions. It’s like living in North Korea… Back to you Tychy.

Tychy: Thanks for that. Now let’s go to Fern Britton live outside of Buckingham Palace.

Fern: Yes, everybody here is completely bonkers! Look at some of these fantastic costumes! This man here seems to be dressed as… er… a guillotine?

Man in Stupid Costume: Er, yes, I’m sorry. This was the only outfit left in the fancy dress store.

Fern: And this slapper is dressed as a princess.

Slapper: Yes, just in case Kate Middleton came down with the flu, I was here to step in and keep the party going!

[There is a great hearty cheer behind her.]

Fern: What an ironic comparison of your peasant grubbiness and Kate Middleton’s fairy majesty. Now back to the studio.

Tychy: Oh God, again! Right, well I’m now joined by our fashion expert, Tori. What did you make of Kate Middleton’s extraordinary lace and ivory wedding dress? I mean, think of all of the elephants which they needed to slaughter to scrape together the ivory…

Tori: Well, Kate looked truly terrible – I mean, has she lost her mind? She looked so undistinguished that even Elton John made more of an impact than she did.

Tychy: It’s a lucky thing that the Prince didn’t walk straight out of that church.

Tori: Well, he gallantly helped out with his premature baldness and silly toy-soldier costume, which managed to distract somewhat from the agony of his bride’s appearance.

Tychy: At least he turned up. If I was him, I would have left her standing there all by herself, in front of billions of television viewers.

Tori: Oh he doesn’t have the balls for that sort of thing.

Tychy: He doesn’t have the brains! The overall impression which this couple generates is one of vacuous stupidity – of sheer sheep-witted brainlessness – in fact, I think that sometimes they should use a sheep dog to keep the younger generation of Royals all walking in the same direction.

Tori: To be fair to him, William does look particularly dim. In fact, throughout most of the ceremony, he seemed to be concentrating furiously on trying to look intelligent. Just like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.

Tychy: I feel for the Queen: another generation has proved a dud, and she’s going to have to reign for another sixty years, in order to outlive her own grandchildren. No wonder that she appeared incandescent throughout today’s ceremony. But my problem is that I find stupid people sexually unattractive, and when I imagine William and Kate making love, I feel nothing.

Tori: Was that the same with Charles and Diana?

Tychy: Well, I was turned on by imagining Diana masturbating, but as soon as Charles jumped into the fantasy, everything went cold. We’re joined now by a constitutional expert. There are so many armed soldiers roaming around London today: what prospect is there of William and Kate taking advantage of their brief popularity to launch a military coup?

Expert: Well, this is a truly historical occasion, reinvigorating the monarchy and bringing it up to date for the fifteenth century…

[Tychy extends the best of wishes to the Royal Couple. Ed.]