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Committee Chairman, John Whittingdale MP: Allow me to welcome you to this afternoon’s final sitting of the Commons Culture, Media, and Sport committee. I would like to thank you for agreeing to appear before this committee. Before beginning, we of course acknowledge that there is presently a police investigation into your conduct, and that we must not ask any questions which might prejudice future criminal proceedings.

Rebekah Brooks: I would just like to add that I wish to cooperate fully with this committee, but I have representation accompanying me in case there are any questions which might indeed compromise the ongoing investigation.

Whittingdale: Thank you. That is fully understood. Now let us have our first question… Tom?

Tom Watson, MP: Mrs Brooks, your hair is absolutely extraordinary. It is honestly the most glorious head of hair that I have ever seen. The colour is stunning, and the curls are exquisite.

Brooks: I would like to answer that question, but I’m afraid that I had no knowledge of my hair until the February of 2011, when I think I saw a picture of it in the Guardian. Beyond that, I’m afraid that I can’t help you.

Whittingdale: Is it not unbelievable that somebody connected so closely with your hair would have no knowledge of it?

Watson: I could gaze into it for hours. It’s like cascades of pure fire. It has such power, and such dazzling frothiness. Can I touch it?

Brooks: I’m afraid that I don’t understand your question.

Watson: I just want to run my fingertips through it. Very lightly. I’m not going to damage it.

Brooks: I’m afraid that I really cannot comment…

Watson: I just want to smell it. The perfume – it must be luscious…

Whittingdale: Frankly, I find it unbelievable that such a dreary, po-faced woman as yourself could edit such a lively and extravagant paper as the Sun. Is it not the case that this paper is, in fact, edited by your hair?

Brooks’ Hair: Gorblimey! You couldn’t make it up! Top editor slammed by sensational committee! Look at the tits on that!

Whittingdale: Thank you. I think that we have concluded our evidence for today…

[Tychy has form when covering the proceedings of Commons Select Committees. Rebekah’s hair has been also investigated by News Grind and Mumsnet. Ed.]