[Tychy is pleased to unveil the Edinburgh Institute of Street Compliments. This new programme will complete the important work of the recently-launched website Edinburgh Hollaback!, which records the tributes and compliments which women have received from admirers in Edinburgh’s streets and public spaces. If you have complimented an Edinburgh lovely on your recent travels around the city, then why not record your words for posterity on EISC. Ed.]
New Submission from Larry
I was driving my white van back to the depot when I saw this absolutely gorgeous lassie walking down the Causewayside towards the university. I thought that I was too old to be really attracted to women anymore, but I was suddenly aghast at how wild this girl made me feel. It was as if brand new blood was soaring through my body, both cold and hot at the same time. I drove around the block and then swooped back to pass her again. I wound down the window, beeped my horn and waved my fist in the air. Time became slow and clear and I tried to greedily cram as much of the sight of that lassie into my brain as was possible. “Nice tits luv!” I heard myself cry as my van sailed past.
“But pleasures are like poppies spread/ You seize the flower, its bloom is shed.” The lassie had soon receded to a dot in my rear view mirror. Her memory, however, is something which I will treasure forever, like a fine old whisky which is sipped at the end of a tiring day to make the world right again.
When I got home, I found my wife in the kitchen. My exuberance needed no words and I carried her straight upstairs to our bedroom, where we made love like teenagers. I volunteered to make dinner and when the children got in from school, I presented them with a fresh homemade lasagna. I treated them to apple pie for pudding. We all curled up on the sofa together afterwards to watch The Simpsons. So the storm passed and everyone was happy.
New Submission from Micky.
I went to the cathedral to give the early morning service and there was a coach party of nuns who remained behind afterwards, anxious to be absolved of their sins. I shall naturally pass over what I heard in the confessional – it would probably get this website shut down for good! – but I was consequently walking towards the exit when I spotted a nun who was evidently lost, waddling about in circles and flapping her arms helplessly. “This way, my dear!” I called to her cheerfully. In reply, she gave me the most wonderful smile – her whole face just lit up.
“My, you are a handsome one!” I chuckled, giving her bottom a playful pinch. I ran forward like a schoolboy to hold open the door for her, and she melted away into the sunshine which flooded my cathedral.
New Submission from Clive.
I went to Tesco at lunchtime to get a prawn sandwich and I was served by a sales assistant who was simply insatiable. “Welcome to Tesco. Please scan your first item,” she demanded, like a gym teacher who wants to see your backside sprawling over the pommel horse. Quivering like a jelly, I was fumbling with my sandwich, but her cold voice cut through my humiliation like the lash of a whip. “Unexpected item in the bagging area!” she intoned mercilessly. “Have pity, you’re killing me,” I begged, but she only wanted more – she wanted everything! “Unexpected item in the bagging area!,” she repeated, as unyielding as granite. “I love you!” I sobbed.
New Submission from Pete.
We were all on the construction site, just mucking about really, taking turns to pop into the Portaloo and check our phones, when suddenly this amazing – truly stunning! – blonde walked past, and I cried to the lads “You have to fucking look at this! She is amazing!” And Greg said “she is simply stunning!” And unlike most of the bitches these days – snooty cows with a face which looks like they’ve got an onion stuck up their arse most of them – this one actually turned to us, and she smiled, and she said “You naughty boys! You should get back to work at once!”
And, you know, she was right. It hit all of us at exactly the same time, like a brainwave. I said, “She is gorgeous. We should do this for people like her. These sorts of lassies deserve a proper tram system!” And soon we were all working away and we actually completed three miles of track in a single afternoon. Now Edinburgh has the most modern and sophisticated tram network in the entire northern hemisphere and, in a way, I suppose, it’s all down to that lassie.
[When it comes to feminism, Tychy has hitherto reviewed Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl. Ed.]