[We cut to a very nice lady who is standing in an ankle-deep lake outside the Scottish parliament, with a couple of bored-looking tourists milling around in the background.]
Jane Hill: Yes, here we are in Edinburgh for one of the most historic dates in the history of the Union. The SNP have just launched their historic blueprint for what an independent Scotland will look like. Here is Alex Salmond earlier today in Glasgow.
[We cut to some footage of a bored-looking Salmond standing blinking at a podium.]
Alex Salmond: My white paper sets out in detail the future that we want to live in…. We, the people of Scotland, will take the big decisions about our own future… Scotland’s future is now in Scotland’s hands… Momentous and historic occasion… Sets out a positive vision…. Zzzz…. [Salmond slumps across the podium unconscious.]
Jane Hill: A historic press conference, as you can see. With me now to discuss today’s white paper are Nicola Sturgeon, the Deputy First Minister, and Alistair Darling, leader of the Better Together campaign. Turning to you first, Nicola Sturgeon, this is a momentous occasion, isn’t it?
Nicola Sturgeon: I would say an historic occasion. This is the chance for Scotland’s people to decide their own destiny. Just looking at this historic paper now, I would say… I would say that… If we turn to this page, I would say… [She begins to blink and nod.]
Jane Hill: Err… Nicola?… BUT THERE ARE MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS, AREN’T THERE?
Nicola Sturgeon: Oh yes, where was I? Yes, this is the most detailed blueprint for an independent country ever published and it sets out, in unprecedented detail, how an independent Scotland will function. We want as many people as possible to read it. Referring to the summary, it says that… it says that… sorry, I’m having trouble here… Zzzz… [She flops to the ground and rolls over fast asleep.]
Jane Hill: Err, turning to you Alistair Darling, this paper offers a fairly detailed blueprint for an independent Scotland, doesn’t it?
Alistair Darling: I’m afraid to say that there is nothing in this paper that we haven’t heard before. It does not answer any of the unanswered questions which we have asked time and time again. Turning to this passage on the currency, for example, it is evident that… you can see that… Oh I’m sorry but…
Jane Hill [Flapping air into Darling’s blinking face]: THE WHITE PAPER SAYS THAT SCOTLAND WILL REMAIN IN THE STERLING ZONE.
Alistair Darling: Eh? Ah, sorry, yes… What were you saying…?
Jane Hill: But we have seen an unprecedented level of detail, haven’t we? I think the white paper describes how the minimum wage will rise by 3p and some Scots could be better off by £6.54 a year and you also get a free pen.
Alistair Darling: Zzzz….
Jane Hill: Oh dear, well we can now link up with our Scottish editor Brian Taylor, who has spent the past hour studying this historic blueprint in detail.
[We cut to a middle-aged man lying unconscious in the road, snoring loudly whilst a cameraman slaps his face.]
Jane Hill: Ah, we seem to have lost Brian for the moment. But if we turn now to our polling expert Professor John Curtice, who taunted Christ on the way to the Crucifixion and has been cursed to walk the Earth, providing polling analysis about Scottish independence, until the Second Coming.
Professor Curtice [ashen faced and trembling]: Please kill me, kill me now.
Jane Hill: So Professor Curtice, how is this white paper going down with ordinary Scots?
Professor Curtice: Well, it appears that this paper has a quite extraordinary soporific effect and it seems to be sending them literally to sleep. Across the country, hundreds of ordinary working families are now out cold.
Jane Hill: You’ll have to forgive me, but I think I need to go and lie down. So this is the news from Scotland: the entire country is asleep. Back to you in London.
[Previously on Tychy: “Scottish Independence, The Disaster Continues.”]