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[Scene: Outside Southwark Crown Court.]

BBC News Reporter: And so you join us for another day at the trial of Yoda, the Jedi Grand Master, who was arrested on the planet Dagobah last year as part of “Operation Yewtree.” Today we are going to hear from the first of the prosecution witnesses: an anonymous complainant who alleges that he was indecently assaulted whilst receiving his Jedi training. The two-foot tall green rubber wizard denies all charges.

[Scene: Inside the Court.]

Judge: I say, I reckon that it’s time for the first witness.

Prosecuting QC: Members of the jury, you have heard the defence claim that Mr. Yoda is a loveable, whimsical cuddly toy. Yet this is nothing but an act, a smokescreen, which is designed to confound his victims. You will hear evidence that Mr Yoda is, in fact, a horrible little goblin. Mr S, when did you first meet Mr Yoda?

Luke Skywalker [sitting behind a screen]: It was when I travelled to the planet Dagobah to seek his professional guidance.

Prosecutor: And when did it occur to you that he was a sexual pervert?

Skywalker: I was walking through the swamp when I suddenly felt somebody pinch my bottom. I turned around and saw his eager green face peeping up at me.

[The jury gasps. The judge bangs his gavel uncontrollably.]

Prosecutor: And what happened next?

Skywalker: He explained that we needed to go and urgently polish our lightsabers…

Judge: Ahem! I think that we have got the picture.

Prosecutor: And how were you consequently affected by your ordeal?

Skywalker: I tried to bury the experience and move on, but the memories kept flooding back. I attempted to commit suicide several times and then I returned to my home planet of Tatooine and became an alcoholic. I wanted to die and I would sometimes catch myself trying to will my heart to simply stop beating. The worst thing was thinking that I would never be believed. Everybody said that Yoda was such a merry little chap and that he had done so much good work for charity, campaigning against the Dark Side. People would assume that I was a fantasist or an adventurer.

Judge: Oh, but we must hear a word from the defence.

Defence [very gently]: Mr S, the prosecution claim that after your alleged ordeal, Mr Yoda went on to abuse young Jedi initiates for a further three hundred years. Were this to be true, do you not think that you might have had a responsibility to notify the authorities about his true character? By this, I mean a moral duty to the rest of the galaxy?

Skywalker [affronted]: I am a victim. I cannot possibly be expected to answer such impertinent questions.

Judge: Yes, let’s skip over this bit and come to the point.

Defence: The point? Very well, Mr S can you describe Mr Yoda’s penis?

Skywalker [uneasily]: I have spent the rest of the intergalactic struggle trying to forget about Mr Yoda’s penis. But as I recall, it was small, green, and undistinguished.

Defence: Haha! I put it to you that Mr Yoda’s genitals are nothing like you describe… [The defence proceeds to submit a detailed account of Yoda’s personal effects. Soon, the jury are vomiting openly and the judge is obliged to call the submission to a halt. Several members of the jury are carried out on stretchers.]

Judge: Pull yourself together chaps. Shall we hear from another witness?

Prosecutor: Indeed. Members of the jury, you will now hear the testimony of Mr C, who also suffered abuse at the hands of Mr Yoda. Mr C, what happened to you on the planet Kashyyyk?

Chewbacca [from behind a screen]: Gargle!

Prosecutor: You were indecently assaulted?

Chewbacca: Gargle!

Prosecutor: He penetrated your fur?

Chewbacca [very emotionally]: Gargle!

Prosecutor: He pulled your tail?

Defence: Objection, your honour. The witness is just making meaningless noises. This court has not even established that he has conscious awareness.

Judge: Yes, let’s wrap this up and then the jury can go and get things over with.

[Scene: Outside the Court.]

BBC News Reporter: And news is just breaking that Yoda, the Jedi Grand Master, has been convicted of all eighteen thousand counts of indecent assault. This news will rock the whole of space to its very core. For years it was believed that Yoda was a fun, irascible puppet, but this was a narrative that the jury today refused to accept. Yoda is a monster and we can now all see that he was actually not very funny and a bit creepy. Darth Vader has announced an independent judicial review into how Yoda was ever allowed access to the Ewoks. But this much is clear: never again will we fall for the idea that the world is an innocent fairy tale, where good and evil can be taken at face value. Rather, it is a more complicated fairy tale, in which everybody is probably a baddy…