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Jean-Claude Juncker (President of the European commission): This European parliament is ridiculous! Really ridiculous! I would like to welcome those that have actually taken the trouble to turn out this morning, but the fact that there’s about thirty members of parliament present in this debate only really illustrates the fact that parliament is not serious in…

Lady with vacuum cleaner: This room is closed for cleaning, dear. The European parliament is the next door down.

[Juncker groans with despair and he shuffles along the corridor into the next conference hall. His eyes are bleary and his hands are shaking.]

Juncker: This European parliament is really ridiculous. Really, really ridiculous!

Antonio Tajani (President of the European parliament and, rather strangely for the kingpin of the EU’s wonderful democracy, making his first appearance in the UK media today): Objection! You may criticise the parliament, yes, but the commission does not control the parliament, it is parliament who should control the commission.

Juncker: Which am I?

Tajani: You are the President of the European council.

Juncker: That’s the little chortling guy who looks like a goblin.

Tajani: You are Donald Tusk, no?

Juncker: I am Jean-Claude Juncker. I think that I am meant to be President of the European commission. What does it say on my name badge?

Tajani: Details, mere details! It is not as if anybody is actually following this or watching on television. Let’s round it up and say that you are “President of Europe.” Proceed with your complaint.

Juncker: There are only about thirty parliamentarians here. More people show their faces in an election for this parliament! How can MEPs scrutinise the commission on behalf of their voters when they have all gone on holiday a week early?

Tajani: This is the EU, sir. This is how it’s supposed to work.

Juncker: But can’t you at least put on a display of…?

Tajani: Indeed, our system appears to be finally working perfectly. The European parliament is most like itself when there are no parliamentarians present. So shall we continue with carving up Greece? There’s a nice juicy shipping port that is screaming to be privatised. And if we’re quick we can sell Crete while it’s quiet.

[The telephone rings.]

Tajani [picking up the phone]. This is the European parliament. Antonio Tajani speaking. How can I help you?

Donald Tusk’s voice: I say, this is the European parliament!

Tajani: There must be some mistake. This is the European parliament!

Tusk: This is the European parliament. The European parliament is currently residing in Strasbourg, at my end of the phone.

Tajani: We are in Strasbourg, at this end.

Tusk: We are in Strasbourg. You are in Brussels.

Tajani [looking around]: This is most definitely Strasb… oh shit, we’re in Brussels.

Juncker: I knew I should have had my gin topped up. I’m much better on autopilot.

Tajani: This crisis in EU democracy is over. We have found the European parliament!

Juncker: You know, that Nigel Farage isn’t as stupid as he looks…