Presenter Tom Ross [looking sarcastic and yet exceedingly pleasant at the same time]: Welcome to another edition of Edinburgh Late Night. Join us as we head out on to the streets of Edinburgh to see what we can find.
[Ross has captured his first passer-by, who is now contemplating the camera uncertainly.]
Ross: Yo man, what’s your name?
Passer-by [panicking at the question]: Err… Gerald… I mean Trevor.
Ross: And what do you think of Edinburgh’s nightlife?
Passer-by: I went to the Hive and it was hideous. Everybody was screaming and vomiting and falling over. This is possibly the most depressing night I’ve ever had in my entire life. At this moment, I think I would trade my parents’ house for a taxi home.
Ross [his eyes glazing over]: So not so good man?
Passer-by [bitterly]: If only I’d stayed at home and watched Newsnight!
[Next Ross has apprehended somebody else.]
Ross: So now on Edinburgh Late Night we’re here with…?
Ross: So how are you enjoying the Edinburgh nightlife, bro?
Ahmad: Man, it’s been really awful and traumatic. I’d never thought I’d ever say this, but it’s actually making me homesick.
Ross: Homesick! Where you from, man?
Ahmad: Syria. Last week I was fighting there in the civil war. After an hour in WhyNot, I’m ready to get the first ticket back.
[Ross has now cornered a man with the drained expression and unblinking eyes of a murderer.]
Ross: Yo man, how do you rate the Edinburgh girls?
Passer-by [trembling visibly]: They’re whores. Disgusting little whores.
Ross: But there’s some nice girls out tonight, eh?
[Foam begins to pour out of the man’s mouth.]
[Ross is now standing in front of a huge, rowdy crowd of Edinburgh citizens on a night out.]
Ross: Here we are on Edinburgh Late Night – are you having a good time?
Crowd: Help! Somebody help us! Anybody! We can’t take any more!
Ross: Give it up for Edinburgh Late Night!
[Finally, Ross has encountered a sweaty, dazed-looking man.]
Ross: Yo bro, what’s your name?
Ross: How are you enjoying the Edinburgh nightlife, Kurtz?
Kurtz: I’ve seen horrors… horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror… Horror has a face… and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies!
Ross: Hey man, why don’t you check out Espionage?
Kurtz [whispering]: The horror…. The horror…