The recent release of the film Teeth has finally given me the confidence to talk openly about my condition, and I believe that the readers of your website will provide a sympathetic audience for my story. Since pubescence, I have suffered from vagina dentata: a rare medical condition in which my vagina is filled with rows of sharp, gnashing teeth. The stigma associated with my condition means that I am often subjected to terrible discrimination. The most distressing feature of my affliction is that whenever I meet dogs in the street, my vagina begins to bark excitedly, which often provokes very cruel remarks from bystanders. There was a period, or rather a phase, during my late teenaged years when my vagina decided to become a vegetarian – allowing me a brief window in which I could enjoy normal sexual relationships – but my vagina quickly tired of munching upon quiche and stuffed peppers, and it soon reverted back to its customary behaviour.
I have been fortunate to have a very sweet male friend who has provided me with a great deal of support. We had dated as teenagers, and despite my vagina eating some of his penis, we remained close companions, even though our relationship could only ever be plutonic. Last week, however, my friend invited me out for dinner and he insinuated that the evening would end romantically. I was uncertain of this, and so during dinner I made sure that my vagina had a good steak and lots of potatoes, followed by a hearty pudding, so that it would be too full to have any appetite for my friend’s advances. Yet when we were finally in each others’ arms, my friend revealed that he had dressed his penis in what could only be described as a little customised suit of armour. During intercourse there was a frightful racket and afterwards I found, upon examination, that the teeth of my vagina were bleeding. I always brush my teeth very thoroughly to avoid unnecessary trips to the dentist – he always kicks up a fuss about checking my teeth – but I had no alternative but to make an appointment this time. The dentist removed several of my teeth, and he warned that in future I may have to wear false teeth. This may ultimately be a good thing, because then I would be able to remove them before intercourse. I hope that sharing my story may provide strength for other sufferers of vagina dentata and I urge them to check out this website which I have established for those with teethed vaginas.
Miss Penelope Triste.